Anger: where it comes from and how to handle it in a healthy way

Warm embers in a stone fire pit in cool morning light

Short answer: For Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, anger is a natural reaction, not a character flaw. It often flares up in an instant, before you can control it. Trouble starts when you swallow it and chew on it in your mind, or vent it in hurtful words. Handling it well means feeling it, showing it, without holding on.

Anger itself isn't the problem

Many people think that if you're on a spiritual path, you should never get angry. Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar sees it differently. For him, anger itself is not a character flaw — even Shiva gets angry in the old stories. What matters isn't that anger rises in you, but what you do with it afterward: do you let it go once the situation has passed, or do you chew on it in your head again and again?

Anger in itself is not bad. Shiva got angry—He opened His third eye and just burnt it. Mano mātah. But if the anger is in your mind—chewing and chewing—it’s like a cancer; it eats you away.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “Three Types of Purity”, 00:18:15

For Gurudev, this makes a difference: showing anger when a situation calls for it is not the same as turning it over in your mind for days.

Why anger sometimes comes out of nowhere

Sometimes anger explodes and you don't know why. Someone walks into the room, says one word — and suddenly you're furious, even though everything was calm a moment ago. Gurudev describes this through the image of the elements: anger is like fire that doesn't start in you but jumps onto you from another person, because you happen to be receptive to it in that moment.

You’re sitting quietly, and someone walks into your room — immediately fire arises. It flares up from within, and you feel the urge to shout. What has happened? Fire has arisen in them, and as they enter, it catches onto you. You’re already receptive — and now fire is arising; you find yourself overwhelmed with anger.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “The Secret of the Elements”, 00:24:18

This doesn't take anything away from anger's force — but it stops you from taking it so personally. It's more like a weather event than a verdict on your character.

What happens when you swallow your anger

Some people seem calm and composed on the outside, and get a reputation for "never getting angry." Gurudev warns against reading it that way. Quiet doesn't automatically mean inner peace — often it's the opposite: anger that has nowhere to go and piles up inside.

You may see some people are very quiet. I tell you: inside them is a volcano. They are an erupting volcano. People who talk a lot are less dangerous than people who don't talk at all.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “Without You Where Will I Be?”, 00:20:32

Someone who talks at least releases something. Someone who swallows everything often carries it around for much longer.

When you've said something in anger you regret

And then there's the moment when, in anger, a word slipped out that you didn't really mean. Gurudev offers a remarkably simple approach: don't justify yourself — just ask whether you hurt the other person, and if so, ask for their forgiveness.

“…mosquitoes! I didn’t mean to hurt you.” What do you do? Simply: “Oh — are you hurt?” “I am with you. If I have hurt you, I am sorry. Ask for pardon. If I have hurt you — pardon me.” You had no intention to hurt them, but still you have been the cause of hurt somewhere. So what do we lose by asking pardon? Do we become less? Do we lose our prestige?

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “The Secret of Mistakes”, 00:25:41

That question costs you nothing — no standing, no dignity. It simply opens the door back to each other.

What you can do

Let anger be there, but choose your words with care. You don't have to suppress anger when a situation genuinely calls for it — just watch that it doesn't turn into hurtful words you'll regret later.
Ask yourself what you actually want. Behind anger there's often a wish that wasn't met. Recognizing that wish can already take some of the edge off.
Say what's boiling inside you instead of swallowing it. Anger you hold back for a long time often weighs on you more than one honest word at the right moment.
Watch the situation instead of fighting it. Anger you resist with all your strength tends to stick around longer. Instead, watch it calmly — like a storm that will pass.
After an outburst, simply ask: are you hurt? This short question is often enough to find your way back to each other — no long explanations or justifications needed.

Questions on this topic

Sources

The quotes on this page come from:

Ashtavakra Gita — “Three Types of Purity” (AG 16), 00:18:15–00:18:43
Ashtavakra Gita — “The Secret of the Elements” (AG 03), 00:24:18–00:25:38
Ashtavakra Gita — “Without You Where Will I Be?” (AG 19), 00:20:32–00:21:07
Ashtavakra Gita — “The Secret of Mistakes” (AG 24), 00:25:41–00:26:29