Why am I afraid of closeness in relationships?

What Gurudev says

You know that feeling when a relationship gets closer and suddenly an alarm goes off inside you — as if you're about to lose something important the moment you really let yourself in? Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar describes exactly this pattern: the worry about losing your own freedom.

'Oh my freedom! What will happen to my freedom?'. He can never love completely because he is paranoid. He is worried about his freedom. Many men and women in America remain single because they are so paranoid about losing their freedom. So they shut down, they stop loving people. They go only that far and then they shut down.

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — "Crossing The Ocean Of Misery", 00:23:13

Gurudev explains this worry about your own freedom as a form of fear closely woven together with love itself — not as its opposite, but as its inverted form.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Fear is just love turned upside down. So when there is love, a little bit of fear also comes. Knowledge, Vairagya (dispassion), Wisdom – these are the things that can help transform the fear back into love again. When love turns into attachment that is when fear pops up. So through dispassion and wisdom, keep love in its pure form.

From the official Art of Living website — "Significance Of Pilgrimage" (Oct 4 2012)

When this fear goes unexamined, Gurudev observes, it often leads to a far-reaching withdrawal: some people shut their feelings off completely to protect themselves from the risk of vulnerability.

Many people are afraid to love. Just because it will bring some problem, pain, hurt. Love hurts, so better shut it off. Live like wood. Live like rock. Love makes you supple, vulnerable.

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — "The Love That Does Not Die", 00:31:07

For Gurudev these three thoughts hang together: the fear of closeness is often the fear of losing your own freedom, it is love in its inverted form — and the way out doesn't lie in shutting feelings off, but in knowledge and dispassion that let love become pure again.

What you can do

1. Recognize the worry about your own freedom for what it is. When closeness triggers an alarm in you, ask yourself whether, at the core, it's the fear of losing something of yourself. Naming that worry often already takes some of its force away.
2. See fear as inverted love, not its opposite. When you notice affection turning into clinging or wanting to possess, that, according to Gurudev, is exactly the moment fear arises. The way back runs through knowledge and dispassion, not more control.
3. Don't shut down when closeness gets uncomfortable. Withdrawal feels safe, but it costs you the connection itself. Stay supple and vulnerable rather than acting like wood or stone.
4. Give yourself time instead of instant clarity. Fear of closeness rarely resolves in a single conversation. Watch the pattern across several situations instead of forcing a quick decision.

Frequently asked questions

What is unconditional love? Gurudev distinguishes immature love, which grows out of greed and neediness, from mature love, which comes from gratitude — the latter stays stable and isn't shaken by particular behaviors. He also advises honestly checking, when you say "I love you," whether it's real love speaking or more your own wish for a certain feeling.

Why do I find it so hard to surrender? Gurudev describes surrender as a state of love that wants to dissolve the separation between yourself and others, while the ego is exactly what maintains that separation and boundary. Letting go, for him, means dropping the feeling of being separate — comparable to the relief of finally putting down a heavy weight.

What is the Self in the spiritual sense? Gurudev insists that inner peace isn't a state you first have to reach, but your own nature, which can't be taken from you. The goal of practice, for him, isn't to become stress-free, but to recognize that underneath the surface disturbance, you already are.

How do I learn to let outside circumstances rattle me less? Gurudev compares a mind that gets stuck on small praise or blame to chewing gum: the jaw stays busy, but there are no nutrients, and in the end all that's left is exhaustion with nothing gained. He also shows how much we get thrown off balance by other people's words alone, even though objectively nothing more has happened.

Related questions

• How do I resolve relationship problems?
• How do I deal with constant arguing in my relationship?
• How do I communicate better with my partner?
• How do I find out if I still love my partner?
• How much closeness and distance does a healthy relationship need?
• Relationships & Partnership — overview

Sources

The quotes on this page come from:

• Narada Bhakti Sutras — "Crossing The Ocean Of Misery" (BS 09), 00:23:13–00:23:38
• Official Art of Living website — "Significance Of Pilgrimage" (Oct 4 2012)
• Narada Bhakti Sutras — "The Love That Does Not Die" (BS 01), 00:31:07–00:31:32