Relationships & Partnership: what sustains closeness and what destroys it

Two trees stand side by side, their crowns touching in morning light

Short answer: For Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, relationships were never meant to be free of friction. Even the people you love most will bother you sometimes, without love ending. It gets difficult when closeness turns into control, or when love grows only out of need. Mature love comes from gratitude — and stays stable even when things aren't perfect.

Friction is part of it — even with people you love

In a relationship, you often expect the person you love to never bother you. Gurudev makes it clear: that's not a realistic expectation. Friction is part of living alongside other people — with almost everyone, even with the person you love most.

See: pleasant things cause pain — and even pleasant things cause pain. This is happening, isn’t it? Not only do the people you love bother you — the people you hate bother you — even the people you love bother you. So, botheration happens anyway. Don’t try to hate the person you love — nor force yourself to love the person you hate.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “Drop All Conflicts”, 00:11:55

So the solution isn't to turn the other person into someone who never bothers you. It's to stop mistaking that friction for rejection the moment it happens.

The basic conflict between love and respect

Why do so many relationships break down even when both people love each other? Gurudev sees one reason in an inner contradiction: respect needs a bit of distance, love can hardly bear distance at all. Wanting both at once creates a tension that shows up in almost every partnership sooner or later.

If that love is held again with a certain distance, it turns and that love does not destroy respect because, as we have seen, respect needs a little distance and love cannot stand distance So this conflict of nature between love and respect is a problem in most relationships in the world today Why relationships happen, why they break — the cause is this intrinsic conflict in the nature of things the way they are

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — “Love is Pure Communication”, 00:06:28

Knowing this tension exists already takes some of the weight out of it. It's not a flaw in you or your partner — it's simply in the nature of things.

How much closeness a relationship can hold

Closeness feels like love — until it becomes too much. Gurudev describes how too much intensity, too much talking, and too much control can smother the other person rather than bring you closer.

You know, when you love somebody you overpower them, you suffocate them, you talk too much. You nauseate them and they want to run away from you. Have some discipline, have some restraint. That is the way to preserve love, otherwise even love turns sour.

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — “Rejoicing Without Conflict”, 00:04:29

For Gurudev, a bit of restraint isn't a sign of loving less — it's the space that lets love keep existing at all.

How to tell immature love from mature love

How do you know if a love truly holds, or just feels good right now? Gurudev distinguishes two kinds: love born out of lack and need — and love born out of gratitude.

It's not out of greed, the need or greed, it is, that love will be out of gratitude. There is a love out of greed and need, it's immatured love. But the love out of gratitude is very mature, very stable. It can not be blown out by some emotions here and there, some behaviors here and there, some treatments here and there.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “Three Types of Purity”, 00:44:15

Needy love depends on individual moments and moods. Love that comes from gratitude survives the difficult stretches too.

What you can do

Don't expect a friction-free relationship. Even the people you love most will bother you sometimes — that's normal and not a sign that something is fundamentally wrong.
Give your partner room. Too much closeness, too much control, and too many words can push someone away rather than bind them to you. A bit of restraint tends to protect love rather than weaken it.
Check where your love comes from. Does it come from need, or from gratitude? Asking this honestly helps you tell a stable connection apart from a passing feeling.
Keep respect and closeness in balance. Both need a different amount of distance — insisting on constant closeness often costs you exactly the respect a relationship also needs.
Raise problems without judging the other person. Criticism that stays factual helps. Criticism carrying personal hurt behind it only adds more strain to the conversation.

Questions on this topic

Sources

The quotes on this page come from:

Ashtavakra Gita — “Drop All Conflicts” (AG 14), 00:11:55–00:12:29
Narada Bhakti Sutras — “Love is Pure Communication” (BS 05), 00:06:28–00:07:12
Narada Bhakti Sutras — “Rejoicing Without Conflict” (BS 04), 00:04:29–00:04:55
Ashtavakra Gita — “Three Types of Purity” (AG 16), 00:44:15–00:44:59