Forgiveness & Letting Go: how to become free of what's still holding you

An open hand lets dried petals fall into the wind

Short answer: For Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, forgiveness and letting go mean no longer holding on to what wants to pass anyway — a feeling, a grudge, an old hurt. It isn't an act of force, it's an opening: of the fist, of the grip, of your daily thoughts. Letting go frees you, whether or not the other person ever apologizes.

Letting go isn't an act of force, it's an opening

Most people experience letting go as an effort: forcing yourself to stop thinking, stop feeling, finally "get over it." Gurudev turns this idea around. For him, the real problem lies exactly in that effort. What you're holding on to — a feeling, an old image, an unfulfilled wish — usually wants to keep moving on its own. You're the one holding the door shut, not the feeling that wants to leave. So instead of fighting something with willpower, it's about opening the hand that's clenched without you even noticing.

All that you are craving for, all that you are hanging on to, they come to you, anyway to you, automatic. But you have to let go. You are holding your fist tight. Why not open your hands and you see the whole sky is in your hand. You are closing your fist, even air cannot enter there. Let alone the diamonds. A process of opening the fist.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — "You Are Free Right Now", 00:29:39

The image is simple, but it hits the core: as long as the fist stays closed, nothing gets in — not even what you're actually longing for. For Gurudev, letting go doesn't mean giving something up. It means making room.

Grudges and hatred bind you to what you want to let go of

A grudge often feels like protection — as if it shields you from the person who hurt you. Gurudev sees it more as the opposite: holding on to hate binds you to exactly the thing you actually want to be free of. The experience keeps repeating itself inside you, every day — not because the other person is doing anything, but because you're the one holding on to the feeling.

So whatever you hate, you will become that. Better don't hate anything, drop all your hates now. You are stuck with your hates. This is a place to be in love and joy — drop all your hate traces. Don't be angry at anybody for anything, throw all your anger out, throw the hatred out.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — "Live in Amazement", 00:24:17

Gurudev isn't concerned here with what the other person did, or whether it was okay — that's untouched, and it's entirely the responsibility of the person who acted. What matters is what happens inside you when you keep carrying the feeling instead of putting it down.

The past is like dust — let it settle each day

A room that never gets cleaned collects dust, layer by layer, until it settles everywhere. Gurudev uses exactly this image for the past: what happened yesterday is allowed to pass today — but it has to actually be allowed to go, instead of piling up. Add new hurt, new upset to the old dust every day, and eventually you're carrying a weight around that's almost too heavy to move.

We don’t dust this. Every day’s dust must die—every day’s dust must die. Nothing from the day before yesterday should stick—dust, dust, you—free, clean. That is freedom.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — "Honouring the Secret", 00:12:44

Gurudev doesn't describe this daily clearing of the mind as a side detail — he describes it as freedom itself. Nothing from the day before should stick, so today can start clear again.

Forgiving doesn't mean blaming yourself

Forgiveness usually only gets thought of as something aimed outward — toward other people. Just as important for Gurudev is the look inward: how you deal with your own mistakes. A mistake quickly triggers one of two reactions — guilt, if you pin it on yourself, or anger, if you push it onto someone else. Gurudev suggests a third way: see a mistake simply as a mistake, without immediately loading it with either feeling.

See a mistake as mistake—not “mine” or “his.” “Mine” means guilt; “his” means anger. A mistake is just a mistake—it’s okay. Neither guilt nor anger. Do you get this?

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — "The Secret of Mistakes", 00:21:37

This doesn't take anything away from a mistake's importance — it can still be seen and, where possible, corrected. It just removes the extra weight that comes from also loading it with guilt or anger.

What you can do

Open the fist instead of fighting the feeling. When a feeling comes up, don't try to push it away right away. Watch instead how it arrives on its own — and let it leave on its own too.
Ask yourself who the grudge is actually serving. Before you hold on to some anger, pause for a moment and look at what it's doing to you, right now, in this moment. Often it turns out it's mostly your own day that's suffering for it.
Clear up inside yourself every evening. Just like a room needs regular dusting to stay clean, you can take a moment at the end of the day to feel what's still clinging to you — and consciously let it go instead of carrying it into the next day.
Separate the mistake from the question of blame. When you've gotten something wrong yourself, try to first see the mistake itself — what actually happened — before automatically slipping into self-blame. Correct what can be corrected. Let the rest pass.
Give yourself time, not a deadline. Letting go is rarely a single moment — it's more of a process that repeats. It's normal to let a feeling go more than once before it really moves on.

Questions on this topic

Sources

The quotes on this page come from:

Ashtavakra Gita — "You Are Free Right Now" (AG 05), 00:29:39–00:30:19
Ashtavakra Gita — "Live in Amazement" (AG 22), 00:24:17–00:24:56
Ashtavakra Gita — "Honouring the Secret" (AG 17), 00:12:44–00:13:02
Ashtavakra Gita — "The Secret of Mistakes" (AG 24), 00:21:37–00:21:57