How do I tell the difference between loneliness and the need to be alone?

What Gurudev says

You know the feeling: one day you want nothing more than quiet and no one around, and the next you feel alone and go looking for company? Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar describes this back-and-forth as something completely normal.

You see, these tendencies arise in you and fall in you. You don't want to be with people another time; you can't be alone. Okay — if I tell you, be all by yourself, don’t ever talk or communicate with anybody — just be in silence — you can’t be that either.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “Ego Dissolves in Love”, 00:45:18

One reason some people then constantly seek out company runs deeper, according to Gurudev: boredom with their own company.

two beggars cannot get together and make each other rich. If you are bored with your own company, how boring you must be for someone else! People say, “Oh, I get so bored being myself— so I look for somebody.” The other person is also so bored with themselves, they look for somebody else, and in a little while they exchange boredom only. They bore each other.

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — “The Six Distortions of Love”, 00:20:02

In the book An Intimate Note to the Sincere Seeker, Gurudev describes how the relationship between solitude and company can almost turn on its head.

People run after parties and celebrations, but for those who do not run after them, celebrations follow them. If you run after parties, loneliness comes to you; If you are in the solitude of the Self, celebrations surround you.

From the book “An Intimate Note to the Sincere Seeker” — knowledge sheet 73, “In the Solitude of the Self” (31 October 1996, Hong Kong)

Loneliness and the need to be alone, then, are not the same thing. One is often a flight from your own company, the other a way of being at ease with it — and in a quiet moment, you can usually feel the difference.

What you can do

1. Ask yourself what you're actually running from. Are you looking for company because you feel like connecting right now — or because you can't stand your own company at the moment? Gurudev describes these tendencies as something that comes and goes, not a fixed truth about you.
2. Check whether you feel good with yourself before you go looking for someone. According to Gurudev, it doesn't help much when two people who are both tired of their own company find each other — they often end up just trading their boredom.
3. Practice short, conscious moments of being alone instead of filling them right away. Gurudev points out that even complete silence is hard when you try to force it. Small, voluntary pauses without distraction can be a first step.
4. Notice whether chasing company or arriving at yourself comes more easily to you. Gurudev describes how, of all things, running after parties and company can bring loneliness with it, while arriving at yourself tends to draw connection instead.

Frequently asked questions

How do I overcome loneliness? Gurudev describes how, once you've found love within yourself, you no longer feel lonely in the way you did before. At the same time, he warns against looking for a partner just to escape your own boredom — two people who are both bored with themselves usually end up trading that boredom back and forth instead of resolving it.

How do I deal with feeling lonely even in a relationship? Gurudev points to the same root cause here: enjoying your own company is the foundation before a relationship can fill that emptiness. If you're bored with yourself, he describes it as hard for a partner to stay close for long, too — loneliness inside a relationship often has to do with this inner relationship to yourself.

How do I build a supportive social network? Gurudev offers a simple test: notice whether you feel light and at ease after spending time with someone, or more drained and doubtful. That feeling, not their words, tells you which company is good for you. He also describes how you tend to grow in the direction of whoever you spend the most time with — around happy people, you tend to become happier yourself.

Why do I feel lonely even though I have people around me? Gurudev turns the complaint "nobody understands me" on its head: since your inner experience truly belongs to you alone, the real question becomes whether you've understood yourself yet. An unreflected, shallow way of living, he describes, is often what keeps that feeling alive — even when plenty of people are around you.

Related questions

• How do I build a supportive social network?
• How do I overcome loneliness?
• Why do I feel lonely even though I have people around me?
• How do I make new friends as an adult?
• How do I deal with feeling lonely even in a relationship?
• Loneliness — overview

Sources

The quotes on this page come from:

• Ashtavakra Gita — "Ego Dissolves in Love" (AG 09), 00:45:18–00:45:34
• Narada Bhakti Sutras — "The Six Distortions of Love" (BS 14), 00:20:02–00:21:33
• An Intimate Note to the Sincere Seeker — "In the Solitude of the Self" (knowledge sheet 73, 31 October 1996, Hong Kong)