How do I overcome loneliness?

What Gurudev says

You know the feeling: life feels joyless, and you think you just need someone to open up to. Gurudev starts from exactly this feeling — but not where you'd expect.

When there is loneliness in life, when you feel life has no juice or enthusiasm, when you feel there is nobody to love or to express your feelings to, then in times like this you should first of all love yourself, and love the Divine in you. Know it for sure that the entire universe loves you very dearly. This wisdom can elevate you to a different pedestal altogether, at which you no longer come from a space of lack or demand for a relationship. You then come from a space where you sincerely wish to contribute to others. You have to become self-reliant in your emotions.

From the official Art of Living website — "How To Be A Better Leader" (Aug 20 2015)

But doesn't loneliness just wait for the right relationship to come along? Gurudev pushes back directly — even people whose relationship looks ideal from outside know this feeling.

Many may not come out and tell you honestly, but if you ask the ideal couples, "Tell me one secret, do you ever feel lonely or anything like that?" They will say, "Yes!" The only people who don't feel lonely are the ones who are connected with the being, with the self. One who is established in the self feels no loneliness. Only spiritual elevation can take away the loneliness, not soul mates.

From the official Art of Living website — "The Only Way To Beat Loneliness" (Jul 25 2016)

And what happens when you look for someone purely out of boredom with yourself? Gurudev warns against exactly that motive with a vivid image.

two beggars cannot get together and make each other rich. If you are bored with your own company, how boring you must be for someone else! People say, "Oh, I get so bored being myself— so I look for somebody." The other person is also so bored with themselves, they look for somebody else, and in a little while they exchange boredom only. They bore each other.

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — "The Six Distortions of Love", 00:20:02

The shared core of these three statements: for Gurudev, the real solution to loneliness doesn't lie outside in another person, but in your connection to yourself — another person can't replace that connection.

What you can do

1. Turn to yourself first. Start by loving yourself and the Divine within you, instead of immediately searching for someone else to fill the emptiness.
2. Become more emotionally self-reliant. The less you come from a place of lack, the more you can contribute out of genuine desire instead of searching out of neediness.
3. Don't expect a relationship to automatically dissolve loneliness. Even people in seemingly ideal partnerships know this feeling — it's the connection to your own self that makes the difference.
4. Check your motive before seeking company. If boredom with yourself is the driver, Gurudev says it often just means two bored people boring each other.

Frequently asked questions

How do I get rid of my stress? Gurudev teaches that being stress-free isn't a state you first have to reach, but your true nature, already present and made visible through relaxation. He defines stress as too much to do with too little time and energy — since your workload and your time usually can barely be changed, the real solution lies in raising your own energy level.

How do I tell the difference between loneliness and the need to be alone? Gurudev points out that both the pull toward people and the pull toward solitude are just tendencies rising and falling within you — even someone who insists they need to be alone usually can't sustain real silence and solitude for long. Someone who has found love within themselves, he says, never feels lonely; someone who looks for a partner purely out of boredom with themselves usually meets someone equally bored, and both end up just exchanging their boredom.

Why do I feel lonely even though I have people around me? Even people in seemingly ideal relationships privately admit to feeling lonely, Gurudev says — only the connection to your own inner self, not a partner, truly takes loneliness away. He also reframes the complaint "hardly anyone understands me": since your inner experience genuinely belongs to you alone, the real question becomes whether you've even understood yourself — it's a shallow, undigested life that keeps producing that complaint.

How do I deal with feeling lonely even in a relationship? Gurudev says that even people in seemingly ideal relationships feel lonely in private — only the connection to your own inner self, not a partner, truly takes loneliness away. He also warns against seeking a relationship purely out of boredom with yourself: someone who can't enjoy their own company usually meets someone equally bored, and both end up just exchanging their boredom.

Related questions

• How do I tell the difference between loneliness and the need to be alone?
• How do I build a supportive social network?
• Why do I feel lonely even though I have people around me?
• How do I make new friends as an adult?
• How do I deal with feeling lonely even in a relationship?
• Loneliness — overview

Sources

The quotes on this page come from:

• Official Art of Living website — "How To Be A Better Leader" (Aug 20 2015)
• Official Art of Living website — "The Only Way To Beat Loneliness" (Jul 25 2016)
• Narada Bhakti Sutras — "The Six Distortions of Love" (BS 14), 00:20:02–00:21:33