Loneliness: what's really behind it and what helps

The difference between loneliness and being alone

Do you long for people — or do you long to finally be alone? Gurudev describes how both movements come and go in you. Neither one lasts long, even if it feels that way in the moment.

You see, these tendencies arise in you and fall in you. You don't want to be with people another time; you can't be alone. Okay — if I tell you, be all by yourself, don’t ever talk or communicate with anybody — just be in silence — you can’t be that either.

From a talk on the Ashtavakra Gita — “Ego Dissolves in Love”, 00:45:18

In other words: neither complete withdrawal nor constant company is the answer. Both longings are passing states, not final truths about who you are.

Why you sometimes find yourself the hardest company

Some people look for a partner or friends mainly to escape their own boredom. Gurudev warns: that doesn't work that way.

two beggars cannot get together and make each other rich. If you are bored with your own company, how boring you must be for someone else! People say, “Oh, I get so bored being myself— so I look for somebody.” The other person is also so bored with themselves, they look for somebody else, and in a little while they exchange boredom only. They bore each other.

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — “The Six Distortions of Love”, 00:20:02

If you don't enjoy your own company, you won't suddenly find it in someone else either. Your relationship with yourself carries your relationships with others.

Real connection is more than physical closeness

Is it really the number of people around you that decides whether you're lonely? Gurudev questions that assumption.

Being in a crowd when you are alone is ignorance. Enlightenment is being alone in a crowd; a feeling of oneness in a crowd – this is a sign of wisdom.

From the book “An Intimate Note to the Sincere Seeker” — knowledge sheet 92, “Celebrate Life” (13 March 1997, New Delhi, India)

For Gurudev, real connection isn't measured by how full a room is, but by whether you feel like you belong inside yourself — even in the middle of a crowd.

How to recognize good company

Still, who you spend your time with matters. Gurudev offers a simple test for it.

Definition of a good company is when you go and sit with someone and say your problem and you walk away feeling there is no problem at all. You feel lighter. The bad company is you have a problem you go and sit and talk to someone, and you will feel it is much more than what you thought it is. You walk away from them with a heavy heart, more depressed, more anxious.

From a talk on the Narada Bhakti Sutras — “Crossing The Ocean Of Misery”, 00:02:09

Do you feel lighter after being with someone, or heavier? That simple observation often tells you more about a relationship than any conversation about it would.

What you can do

1. Notice what you're actually longing for right now. Is it really company you're missing — or rest? Both needs come and go; neither one is a permanent state.
2. Practice enjoying your own company. Time with yourself, without constant distraction, is a foundation for time with others to actually nourish you too.
3. Check how you feel after being with someone. Do you leave a conversation lighter or heavier? That question helps you tell good company apart from company that weighs on you.
4. Don't think of loneliness only as a question of numbers. You can feel lonely even surrounded by many people — and feel connected even while alone.
5. Actively seek out company that lifts you up. People you share interests, values, or concerns with are often a more natural starting point for new connections than chance alone.

Questions on this topic

• How do I build a supportive social network?
• How do I connect with others when I'm introverted?
• How do I cope with loneliness when I live alone?
• How do I deal with feeling lonely even in a relationship?
• How do I deal with loneliness after moving to a new place?
• How do I deal with loneliness in old age?
• How do I make new friends as an adult?
• How do I open myself up to other people again?
• How do I overcome loneliness?
• How do I tell the difference between loneliness and the need to be alone?
• What can I do about loneliness?
• Why do I feel lonely even though I have people around me?

Sources

The quotes on this page come from:

• Ashtavakra Gita — “Ego Dissolves in Love” (AG 09), 00:45:18–00:45:34
• Narada Bhakti Sutras — “The Six Distortions of Love” (BS 14), 00:20:02–00:21:33
• An Intimate Note to the Sincere Seeker — “Celebrate Life” (knowledge sheet 92, 13 March 1997, New Delhi, India)
• Narada Bhakti Sutras — “Crossing The Ocean Of Misery” (BS 09), 00:02:09–00:02:41