Is fear stopping you from succeeding in a romantic relationship

 

A dear friend, let us call her Ashima, recently told me that she really likes a friend from her work but was afraid to confess her feelings. Knowing her to be an otherwise confident & outgoing girl, unafraid of speaking her mind, and to have had a fairly decent dating experience, I was confused. 

 

“Why?” I asked her. 

 

“I am just scared,” she said, looking at the ground.

 

“Of what? You have gone out with other people as well, before,” I said.

 

“Yeah, but no relationship has turned out to be a success. And I am scared if this too will end up in heartbreak,” she confessed in a low voice.

 

Ashima had never spoken about her past relationships. She always seemed to move on easily. But no matter what facade is put up in front of others, you don’t really know what is cooking inside.

 

We all face fears in our lives. Some of them are relatively easy to overcome while some are difficult. The fear of getting our hearts broken falls in the latter category.

 

But does that mean we stop loving?

 

To love or not to love: Life’s dilemma

5000 years ago, the warrior-prince Arjuna was in a situation similar to my friend Ashima’s. He was scared. He was confused. But his conflict was far deeper and impacted much more lives than Ashima will ever know in her lifetime. 

Arjuna was confused if the fight against his wrongful cousins was really right. “Isn’t war sinful and especially against your own kith and kin wrong anyway?” he wondered out loud. Lord Krishna laughed and then with kindness intercepted his doubts.

And then Arjuna knew. That he had to fight. He could not let fear take his own dharma away from him.

Is the fear of failing in a relationship taking away your happiness? Is it holding you back from being who you really are?

    

Overcoming the fear

Once you know that fear is your enemy, do not try to get rid of it. The more you try to get rid of it, the more it will persist. Instead, try to understand your fears. 

A common fear in a relationship is getting hurt. But pain is a part of love. You may feel hurt even when your partner has the best of intentions. Simply because you both are two different people with different concepts, ideas, and beliefs. Recognize this truth and the impermanent nature of feelings. Know that you are stronger than the apparent hurt and pain.

Don’t let the fear stop you from staying true to your nature of love and kindness. Meditate daily to overcome your fear. During meditation, as you pay attention to your fear, it starts turning into love. As love, fear and hatred are the same energy at the same chakra.

 

The secret of pain-free love

A king and a queen were disciples of Buddha. They meditated sincerely every day, and they attained enlightenment. One day while sitting in the royal garden, the queen said to the king, “You know I only love myself. I don’t even love you, I only love myself.” And the king got down and prostrated in front of her. He felt so happy that the queen had acknowledged her true realization that she loved only herself and nothing else. If it was some other king, he would have thrown her out of the palace and imprisoned her, but this king did not do that. He was so happy to hear what the queen had said. He told her that he too loved only himself. He loved others and other things because they were his. He loved her because she was his queen. That he loved the kingdom because it was his. Because of himself, he loved himself, and whatever was attached to him.

You give your life for someone because you love yourself, and see them as being part of you. If this becomes very clear in your mind, you will never be unhappy.

Above is an excerpt from Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s commentary on the Ashtavakra Gita

 

Moving forward with more faith & less fear

We may not be enlightened to enjoy a completely pain-free love like the king and queen in the above story. But we can definitely move forward in our romantic journeys with more self-love & faith and less fear. Here are some tips.

 

Know the best will happen

 

Always have faith that the best will happen. Hard to believe with the past lingering over your head? If you observe carefully, every romantic failure has been a lesson learned. There has been some good in the seemingly bad. Whatever happens, is for the best. So, rise up from the past and move forward with faith in life and in the higher power.

“A sign of true confidence is creating everything again from scratch when you have lost everything.” - Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

 

Don’t ruminate, learn your lessons instead

The tendency of the mind is to ruminate over the past and label people and situations. A better way to move forward happily is to learn your lessons from the past instead. Remember, labeling someone bad or wrong is not a lesson at all. Knowing about yourself, your weaknesses and strengths, and where you can make amends, are authentic valuable lessons.

 

Understand yourself and your partner

When hurt or angry, put yourself in your partner’s shoes to understand their actions and behavior better. Know that feelings are always changing. Do not decide to quit just yet on the basis of fleeting feelings.

 

Communicate

Don’t just bury the discomforts you are experiencing in the relationship. It is neither good for your mental health nor the relationship. Communicate calmly and clearly. If you are angry about something, calm down with a meditation, and then speak up.

 

Don’t stop loving yourself

Remember, you can only receive and give love when you love yourself. So never stop loving yourself. A relationship can last with you for a lifetime. But you are going to stay even after death. You are infinite and awesome!

 

Based on the knowledge talks of Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar and his book, ‘ Secrets of Relationships’

 

FAQ's on Fear Stopping You From Succeeding in a Romantic Relationship