7 ways to overcome toxic
comparison of kids

You will find a lot of content on why comparing kids is harmful to them. It is time we explore more ways to stop comparing them with siblings and besties for their better development.

My grandparents came to my rescue by guiding me through this vital issue. They had many children and had little time to analyze or compare their kids. Whatever time they had with their children would be spent meeting their needs or playing with them once in a while.

I found these seven ways helpful to bypass the shadow of toxic comparison.

Let us look in detail at ways to stop comparing kids and celebrate their uniqueness.

1. Patience is the mantra

With the birth of kids, your patience level starts rising. While discussing issues with my child, patience is the mantra that has worked for me tremendously. Continually preaching and comparing is no good. The pause helps the child to get some space to recollect, recharge and reinforce their thoughts into action. 

2. Give freedom of opinion 

Knowledge purifies the mind. Use knowledge as a soap. Once you have guided your children, don’t be feverish for action. Tightly holding on to too much knowledge, preaching to extremes and falling into the trap of comparison makes one self-centered, and then you begin to impose your opinion on children.

3. Accept and encourage

Comparison and criticism happen hand in hand. Instead, focus on acceptance and encouragement for your kids. Most of us would agree that we as parents wish kids to live happily rather than having a hefty bank balance (supposed criteria of success prevalent in society) but no smile on their faces. Comparison and criticism have ruined kids' inborn talents. Accept their weaknesses and encourage their unique talents. I got inspired by films like 3 idiots, Do Dooni Chaar, the web series Yeh meri family, and the all-time favorite Taarak Mehta ka ooltah chashmah. The ideas in the films help to think out of the box to appreciate your kids’ uniqueness.

4. Understand the learning capacity of your kid

Motivate your kid only to the extent of their capacity. Do not cross the fine line between motivation and pushing your child to achieve something you feel is very important for their life. Each kid has a unique set of inborn skills, and the rest are acquired through learning. You need to proceed as per their pace of learning. It is not justified to compare the journeys of different kids as each is different in their own way.

5. Don’t be over-possessive 

The distorted form of love is attachment. Attachment compels you to be over-possessive of your children and you fall into the trap of comparing your kids as you want them to excel in your idea of excellence that you find in another child. Being over-possessive also prevents the child from learning and becoming independent, as your attachment keeps you constantly worried about your child, and you want to guide his every action. My people often asked me on my long trips, “Aren’t you worried about your child?” My reply would be, “I am sure he is doing well. I trust the divine. I am reminded of him but have no worries.” Pranayama and meditation came a long way in keeping away the distortions of love.

6. Respect the individuality  

As per the age, family size and family circumstances, your behavior with the siblings might differ. However, treating them as individuals with their own different traits will facilitate mutual understanding. For instance, I saw my elder nephew behave like a newborn (when her younger brother was born) to attract parental attention. Her parents were expecting her to take on simple responsibilities for the newborn. They spent some quality time with her and encouraged her to play with the infant. Gradually she enjoyed herself, and her trust in her parents grew. 

7. Focus on improving your kid’s efficacy

You don’t know the journey of other kids with whom you are comparing your kid. For instance, there is no point in comparing your child with a classmate who scored the highest in Maths. You are unaware of the practice sessions he had with his grandfather. The same is not the case with your child. It is better to focus on the ways to improve your kid’s efficacy.

The result is significant. But remember, the journey is equally important. Laying a foundation of self-awareness and patience will go a long way in raising happy, outstanding, and optimistic kids who share a positive relationship with you.

Inspired by Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s wisdom talks

Written by: Pratibha Sharma

Related link

Why do parents compare their children?

Reference

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